8 Reasons Why Krampus, The Christmas Demon Cannot Make It In Malaysia

Krampus? More like be-rambus!

  • Cover image via SAYS
  • If you thought Jim Carrey as the Grinch was scary…

  • There’s another Christmas ‘hater’ 10x more terrifying by the name of Krampus (ke-ram-puss) in Austrian and German folklore. The Krampus is a Christmas demon and his job is to punish and kidnap children who misbehave, just a day before his friend St. Nicholas brings presents to the well-mannered ones.

    • According to legend, Krampus will spend the night visiting each house. He might leave bundles of sticks for bad children—or he might just hit them with the sticks instead. He might toss them into a sack or basket on his back and then throw it in a stream, or he might straight-up take them to hell.

      The next day, though, is Nikolastaug, St. Nicholas' Day—the same St. Nicholas whose Dutch name, Sinterklass, evolved into “Santa Claus.” In other words, it’s time for presents for all the little girls and boys … that is, all the ones who haven’t already been beaten, damned, or drowned.

  • He's not the most attractive thing to look at too. He bears horns like a goat, is hairy all over, and a tongue that’s disturbingly long...

    • Krampus isn't exactly the stuff of dreams: Bearing horns, dark hair, and fangs, the anti-St. Nicholas comes with a chain and bells that he lashes about, along with a bundle of birch sticks meant to swat naughty children. He then hauls the bad kids down to the underworld.

  • This December, Krampus made its debut in Malaysia starring Adam Scott (that guy from "Parks and Recreations")

    • It's already out in cinemas, so do catch it!

  • Hideous. Terrifying. But you don't have to worry. Krampus will never be able to survive in Malaysia. Here are 8 reasons why we think so:

  • 1. Krampus may be banned from entering Malaysia (most likely at the last minute too)

      • 3b77 Image via osolihin
        That includes the Krampus too.
    • Should Krampus decide to make a grand entrance, it's highly likely it'll be banned at the last minute. Here's how it will roughly play out:

      1. Krampus and his team announces their arrival in Malaysia
      2. Fans go crazy and start buying tickets in advance
      3. Rumours that it'll be banned surfaces but assurances given that it'll go on as planned.
      4. The day of Krampus arrival is here! Everyone eagerly awaits...
      5. 2 hours before the announcement, Krampus posts a statement on its Facebook page expressing its disappointment by being banned by the authorities.

  • 2. Our homes are mostly gated. Grills grills grills. Still not enough? There's the security ronda and CCTVs all in place.

    • Traditionally, Krampus finds their way in through chimneys, something Malaysian homes don't come equip with (why would we need one anyway?). So the only way to enter Malaysian homes is through the front door or windows. But it's easier said than done with all the grills in place. On top of that, Malaysians are also securing their homes with locks, latches, alarms, CCTVs, and guards. Krampus just have to berambus out of there before it gets into trouble.

  • 3. We're adventurous eaters. The Krampus looks like a goat. We hope you get the connection...

    • We Malaysians can stomach anything. After all, we've been introduced to a variety of food from different cultures and races. The best part? Where we eat doesn't matter. From the restaurants, to the side of the longkang, we down it like a boss. Krampus may be the hunter but right here in Malaysia, the hunter is the hunted...

  • 4. We're awake 24/7. There's always a Malaysian up somewhere at a random hour.

    • Malaysians are nocturnal creatures. There's always something going on somewhere no matter the time be it at a mamak, watching football, or studying. This gives no chance for the Krampus to kidnap children with lots of people around. Even if it does manage to sneak past people, the Krampus still has to face the dreaded gated house.

  • 5. We're social media experts. One photo of Krampus and he'll go viral on Facebook.

    • Malaysians are Internet-hungry creatures. We move from our desktops to our mobile connected on Facebook. The best thing? We love to share stuff. Be it to raise awareness, or because it's funny, we'll share it. So all it takes is one person to post a photo of Kramus online and soon enough the everyday Malaysians will find him faster compared to the authorities.

  • 6. Krampus will be taken away by animal control. No more pests!

    • Unfortunately, Malaysia has a stray animal problem. Just recently, it even caused outraged amongst animal lovers when they were planning to cull stray dogs. However, the Krampus is a different story. It looks like a public threat and being the size as it is, animal control won't have any problem hunting it down.

  • 7. He’ll be too broke to survive. Krampus will faint after hearing the taxi fare.

    • Like it or not, our Malaysian public transportation has lots of room for improvement. From overcharging taxis, to an increase of LRT and ERL fares, going around town is costly! Krampus won't be happy.

  • 8. Malaysian kids all cuti sekolah. They're probably not at home right now...

    • In Europe, the long school break happens during the middle of the year. On the contrary, Malaysian schools close at the end of the year. This means that parents and their children take off on a holiday, be it in local resorts, or overseas. The poor Christmas demon possibly have no one to kidnap!

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