Celebs Throw The Nastiest Insults At Justin Bieber's Face And He's Taking It Like A Man
Resident bad boy of pop Justin Bieber found himself the butt of everyone's jokes as a parade of celebrities tore him to shreds at the annual Comedy Central roast last Saturday
For the uninitiated, a 'roast' is an event where a handful of comedians and celebrities get together to "honour" a particular guest of honour... by going up on stage one by one and insulting that person. Yes, right in that person's face.
Celebrities like Ludacris, Shaquille O' Neal, Snoop Dogg, and Martha Stewart took turns firing zingers at The Biebs. Roastmaster Kevin Hart kicked it off, saying, "Tonight we’re going to give what his parents and the legal system should have done years ago..."
Bieber's antics in the last year or two certainly gave the roast panel a lot of material to work with. Here are some of the meanest (and by that, we mean the best) jokes they came up with:
Note: Some jokes are pretty offensive and explicit, so proceed with caution!
1. Kevin Hart on Bieber's non-existent street cred
Other highlights from Kevin Hart's roast:
“Ebola patients hear about ‘Bieber fever’ and say, ‘I’m gonna go ahead and ride this one out.’”
"Bieber has 10 million fans - most are in middle schools, or standing at least 500 feet away from one."
"Justin has the voice of an angel ... and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder."
2. Rapper Ludacris - who collaborated with the singer on hit single "Baby" - on why Bieber will always be his baby
Other highlights from Ludacris:
"A feud with One Direction? That's like a fight between don't-care and who-gives-a-shit.
"You act so much like a p***y, Ellen [DeGeneres] tried to eat you."
"The Brazilian prostitute he was caught with said he was well-endowed; that prostitute would know, because he was, too."
"Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad, he's actually seen Kevin Hart's movies in theatres."
3. Roast veteran Jeff Ross went all out with his ammo of pretty brutal insults. From taking a jab at Bieber's on-and-off relationship with Selena Gomez...
4. ... Comparing Bieber to the most hated fictional manchild from Game of Thrones...
5. ... To this controversial Anne Frank-meets-Uber joke. It's too soon for Holocaust jokes, Jeff!
..And many other super brutal jabs from Jeff Ross:
“I know you’ll never end up like Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse ... respected.”
"You have such a huge career... behind you."
“Seth Rogen thinks you’re a conceited piece of s***, and he hangs out with James Franco.”
“Kendall Jenner, if you and Justin Bieber get married, who is going to give you away? The only man in the family is Khloe Kardashian.”
6. Comedian Hannibal Buress is definitely not shy when it comes to expressing his extreme feelings about Bieber's music
For context, Buress brought renewed attention to Bill Cosby's decade-old rape allegation to light during his stand-up performance October last year.
Hannibal Buress roast can't get any more real for Justin Bieber:
"You should thank me for being in your extremely transparent attempt at being more likable in the public eye."
“You gotta give it up for Justin. He started from the bottom and he’s still a bottom.”
7. Nor was Natasha Leggero when it comes to describing his legion of devoted fans
8. Chris D'Elia expounded on the wonders of Bieber's "rich, young and famous" lifestyle... with a few exceptions
9. Ex-basketball player Shaquille O’Neal on the North Korean supreme leader's torture methods
10. Rapper Snoop Dogg on the Biebs' chances of being matched on prison Tinder
Snoop, who appeared to be smoking a joint onstage, also suggested that the singer should name his next album "Straight Outta Talent".
11. Professional homemaker Martha Stewart, the only person on the panel who've ever been to jail (yes, really), offered JB some tips for when he “inevitably ends up in prison”
After teaching him how to make a shank out of a pintail comb and a pack of gum, Stewart advised Justin to find a powerful, rich girl who's "a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom" to settle down with.
"So Justin, my final piece of advice is: Call me."
12. Party crasher Will Ferrell sauntered in as Anchorman's Ron Burgundy and he had plenty of good things to say about Bieber
Other highlights from Ron Burgundy:
"You people don't know what the hell you're talking about. As far as I'm concerned, this guy is doing it right. I always encourage people to stay classy, and what's more classy than hanging out with Floyd Mayweather?"
"Justin Bieber is a full-grown man who works and loves and makes things with his hands. He sings to nine-year-olds and his hair is like a gay figure skater."
After everyone was finished with him, Bieber took to the podium and let out some kickers he's been hiding under his sleeve throughout the roast
In a serious turn of events, the pop star also took the opportunity to apologise and promise to make amends for his less-than-stellar behaviour in the past
"There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old," Bieber said. "I didn't know what I was getting myself into. There were moments I am proud of. And there are moments I am disappointed with myself for. But the things I have done don't define who I am. I am kind-hearted person who loves people. And through it all, I have lost some of my best qualities. For that, I'm sorry."
"I am looking forward to being someone you can all be proud of," he added. "Someone close to me once said, 'It's how you rise from a fall that truly defines you as a man.' I'm excited for that challenge. And I want to say thank you for taking this journey with me."
Before pulling off one last stunt with the "love of his life"... the capuchin monkey Bieber had to abandon when he didn't have the proper paperwork to get him out of Germany
"One more thing. One more thing before I go," he said. "There's someone in my life who I owe a special apology to. I'm talking about someone who I really loved and lost because I screwed up. Thankfully, that special someone, the love of my life, is here tonight. I just wanted that second chance, so... you can come on out."mashable.com
Good on you, Justin Bieber, for sitting through the roast and laughing along like a true sport. We're liking you a little bit more now. ;)