I Was 17 When I Married A Man 15 Years Older Than Me. Here's Why I Regret It
"I thought that I was mature enough to be making a life-time decision at 17, and nobody could stop me because legally it wasn't wrong."
By Lia — 05 Aug 2021, 05:02 PM — Updated over 3 years ago
What I'm going to say will be me exposing my dumb side. I am deeply embarrassed but I just have to say it.
I was married at 17, to a man 15 years older than me (that time) and yes. I WAS legally married. Do I regret it? Yes, I do.
That may sound harsh, but please comprehend my words carefully.
I regret the marriage, not that I tolak takdir (reject fate) for me to give birth to my precious son. I understand things happened for a reason, and apa yang jadi (what happened) was partly my fault too.
I was a stubborn and egoistic teen
I thought that I was mature enough to be making a life-time decision at 17, and nobody could stop me because legally it wasn't wrong.
It was permitted, and according to the laws... I wasn't doing anything that would be harmful for my life. Strongest point I used against my dad: "legal".
It was a mistake.
He was much older than me, clearly knew what he wanted. And me, I was just wanting to be loved and cared for.
The marriage I thought was going to be my happy ending, just [turned] out to be a shortcut for him to get enough financial and self-care. While me? I suffer.
Imagine carrying a baby as a 17-year-old and your husband, a grown man, neglects your needs, physically and emotionally sampai tahap (until the point) my parents yang kena tanggung (have to sustain) both of us
After confinement, I worked and sustained him and our child instead. The term 'nafkah' and 'tanggungjawab' (responsibility) never once existed.
I stopped going to school and become a housewife even though his salary was not enough. Work two months, then quit.
Mind you, I was comfortable before I got married. After knowing him, I downgraded everything. I was a loyal wife. Never complained.
Since my child was born and until now, he has never contributed even 1 sen to my child
But because he was not working and was not able to, I was also too lazy to fight. If he's not able to, then what is there to fight about?
I was lucky because my dad loved me and his grandchild; but what about those out there who are less fortunate?
When I complained and got angry, he (the ex-husband) would answer, "dah tu kenapa pilih aku?" (Then why did you pick me?)
It was the same lah when we divorced, friends or society would taunt me with stuffs like:
"siapa suruh kahwin awal" (who told you to marry early)
"dah la kawin dengan orang tua" (marry an old person some more)
"lah, cantik pun kena tinggal?" (you're so pretty, but he still left you?)
"tula, pilih lagi laki entah mana" (that's why, you picked man from don't know where)
So to say that 'underaged marriage' is not harmful is quite biased
Mentally, it scarred me. The gaslighting, the blame, the neglect, the emotional abuse. The effect. But I know that thing was with my consent, so what can I do?... I yang pilih (I chose it).
So do you see where the problem is? When bad people see beneficial opportunities, they'll take it. And when you give minors (who are supposed to be supervised by adults) consent to sex and marriage, it equals to creating levels of problems following its sequence.
Oh and I came from a broken family, so please don't question how my parents handled me.
And not to mention the people who called me 'gatal p-ki' because I married early
And society who keeps asking me "you kahwin umur berapa" (at what age did you get married) and judge me afterwards.
And what did my ex-husband get? Nothing. No humiliation, no question, nothing.
There was only people teasing him for a having a "young widow".
Nobody is saying it is wrong to 'halalkan yang haram' (legitimise what is illegitimate) to avoid sin.
But times have changed.
There are a lot of influences. Not many men who want to truly take care and protect according to Allah's will.
You say you want to curb it? Then why do we not curb child grooming and teen mums? It's about prevention.
[If] getting married young is legal in the eyes of the law, then why am I still judged when I say that I've been married before, have kids, and am divorced?
Is child marriage only good when it stays the way it is? If it fails, then the woman gets backlash.
This story was originally published on Twitter.
You too can submit a story as a SAYS reader by emailing us at [email protected].
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.
If you or someone you know might need assistance, reach out to these helplines:
1. WOMEN'S AID ORGANISATION (WAO)
24-hour
Contact: +603-30008858
SMS/WhatsApp: +6018-9888058
Website | Facebook | Twitter
2. ALL WOMEN'S ACTION SOCIETY (AWAM)
Weekdays (9.30am - 4.30pm)
Contact: +603-78770224
WhatsApp: +6016-2284221 | +6016-2374221
Email: [email protected]
Website | Facebook | Twitter
3. WOMEN'S CENTRE FOR CHANGE PENANG (WCC PENANG)
Weekdays (9am - 5pm)
Contact: +604-2280342 | +604-3988340
WhatsApp: +6011-31084001 | +6016-4390698
Email: [email protected]
Website | Facebook | Twitter
4. TALIAN KASIH
24-hour
Contact: 15999
WhatsApp: +6019-2615999
Email: [email protected]
Website | Facebook
5. TELENISA LEGAL AID CLINIC
Weekdays (8am - 10pm)
Contact: +6012-8123424
WhatsApp: +6012-8123424
Email: [email protected]
Facebook | Twitter
6. BUDDY BEAR CHILDLINE
Daily (12pm - 12am)
Contact: 1800-18-2327
