"I Am Still Struggling" — What I've Learned & Observed As A Rape Survivor In Malaysia
"After they dramatised, romanticised, and criticised us for our stories, it seems as though we no longer matter."
Every woman I have met reacts to the word 'rape' similarly
Some will cry as soon as they hear that word from the lips of others, while the majority will appear uneasy.
I learned at a young age that one word conjures up so much trauma and pain. Yet, for some reason, I believe we should talk more about the effects of rape, even if it is uncomfortable for society.
Most importantly, to raise the awareness we desperately need, we must discuss what rape victims must go through psychologically to heal. We have never asked the victims which part of them died in order for them to stay alive.
In my short, 23 years of living, almost every woman I have met has either been raped, sexually harassed, or sexually assaulted, and I have yet to meet a man who has not heard of someone they know becoming a victim
I will never forget the night a close friend opened up to me, she told me that she had been raped seven months prior by her boyfriend, yet she still could not tell her story properly.
I remember how I grabbed her hands and hugged her. I did not say much, but I cried with her.
While I was mostly silent that night, I whispered to her and said that it was not her fault, but I also wanted to say, "I was raped too."
I froze. The words could not come out of my mouth and I only wept.
Three years have passed since that haunting evening when my body was ripped, the night my body became someone else's against my will
It happened during Ramadan (the fasting month for Muslims). I was drugged by someone who I thought was a friend. I couldn't move shortly after, and I only remembered some of the things that happened that night, days after it happened.
I remember seeing the ceiling lights when he dragged me across the floor to his bedroom. I can still recall the awkwardly shaped lamp on his bedside table. I remember trying to walk out of the bedroom while he was in the bathroom, but I guess I never made it out.
I remember being slapped, punched, and abused after. I remember asking God, "Can I just die?"
Listening to other rape victims tell their stories instantly transported me back to that night, but one thing I noticed was that none of us have healed properly
We are constantly told what to wear, how to act, and places to avoid. However, no one ever tells us what to do or how to get back up after becoming victims.
When you search for stories from rape victims, what you will most likely find is news after news of how someone became a victim. Our stories seem to exist solely to allow parents to tell their children, "Look at this poor girl. Learn from this."
They seem to be only interested in what we did before it happened or how we were raped. After they dramatised, romanticised, and criticised us for our stories, it seems as though we no longer matter.
However, our stories continue, and we will always matter.
I regret spending so many years pushing that memory of what happened to me to the back of my mind. I regret forcing myself to forget such a traumatic experience and not giving myself enough love while I was healing.
I wish I had not spent so much time silently blaming myself for what happened, asking myself what I could have done differently that night, and telling myself, "If I hadn't worn that sweater and that long pair of jeans, maybe it wouldn't have happened."
I wish another victim had come to my aid and shown me how to pick up all the broken pieces. However, because no one did, I am doing this today to help victims feel seen, to let them know they are not alone, and to inform everyone about the devastating long-term effects of rape.
Being raped permanently changed how I viewed the world
Psychologically, it took me years to come to terms with what had happened. I was depressed for a long time, had trouble sleeping, and had numerous suicidal thoughts. Therapy was the most beneficial to me during this time. Do not be afraid to reach out for professional help.
Sadly, I would still break down whenever I have flashbacks, and I am still struggling with my anxiety, as so many things can trigger me.
I was so afraid of being touched that even the most innocent hug sent me into a tailspin. I remember how anxious I would get when I grew close to someone, as I knew we would have to discuss sex in our relationship.
But in my experience, most men I have met understand why I am not so comfortable with sex, and they respect my boundaries.
It took me three agonising years to finally tell my closest friends what had happened to me, and even then, I was hesitant to do so
Since the night I opened up to my friends, all I can think about are the other rape victims who did not file a report against their rapist, the other victims who remained silent for years.
To the other victims reading this essay, you are not alone. You have not lost your light, and you will bloom.
You do not owe anyone an explanation of your story, you do not owe anyone the honesty of the abuse you endured.
Some of us are warriors who can fight through our darkest moments, but that does not mean that you are weak if you struggle to stand on your feet again.
This story is a personal essay by the writer.
You too can submit a story as a SAYS reader by emailing us at stories@says.com.
If you or someone you know may be at risk or has experienced sexual abuse or assault, please reach out to these Malaysian organisations:
1. WOMEN'S AID ORGANISATION (WAO)
Operating hours: 24-hour
Contact: +603-30008858
SMS/WhatsApp: +6018-9888058
Website | Facebook | Twitter
2. ALL WOMEN'S ACTION SOCIETY (AWAM)
Operating hours: Monday to Friday (9.30am - 5.30pm)
Contact: +603-78770224
WhatsApp/Telegram: +6016-2284221 | +6016-2374221
Email: telenita@awam.org.my
Website | Facebook | Twitter
3. WOMEN'S CENTRE FOR CHANGE PENANG (WCC PENANG)
Operating hours: Monday to Friday (9am - 5pm)
Contact: +604-2280342 | +604-3988340
WhatsApp: +6011-31084001 | +6016-4180342
Email: wcc@wccpenang.org
Website | Facebook | Twitter
4. SARAWAK WOMEN FOR WOMEN SOCIETY (SWWS)
Operating hours: Monday (7pm - 9pm),Tuesday to Thursday (9.30am - 11.30am), Saturday (2pm - 4pm)
Contact: +6082-368853
SMS/WhatsApp: +6016-5822660 | +6013-8044285
Email: sarswws@gmail.com
Website | Facebook | Twitter
5. SABAH WOMEN'S ACTION-RESOURCE GROUP (SAWO)
Operating hours: Monday to Friday (9am - 5pm)
Contact: +6088-280200 | +6011-27908020
Email: sawo.women@yahoo.com
Website | Facebook | Twitter
6. PROTECT AND SAVE THE CHILDREN (PS THE CHILDREN)
Operating hours: Monday to Friday (3pm - 12am)
WhatsApp: +6016-7213065
Email: protect@psthechildren.org.my
Website | Facebook | Twitter
7. INTERNET WATCH FOUNDATION (IWF)
Anonymously and confidentially report child sexual abuse content and non-photographic child sexual abuse images with IWF's Reporting Portal.
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Seeking help from professionals is not a sign of weakness or failure.
If you need someone to talk to, you can check out this list of places that offer mental health services:
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